So here’s the thing…
I thought getting my first blog post out of the way would clear the jitters. It did not.
I continued to overthink all of the things I wrote and didn’t share any of it because I wanted to make sure what I was saying in my writing was correct.
In hindsight I feel like that may be my perfectionism being an ass so **fair warning: I may just drop a bunch of half finished rants and thoughts over the next few days or so. Reading back through them I can see the parts I wanted to double check or reword before publishing, but I can also feel exactly how I was feeling in that moment. To pretend that when I’m in the moment I always know 100% of what I’m talking about, or that I’m even able to communicate it well enough for people to understand in the moment, would be to pretend I’m something I’m not. So to then go back and edit my errors away would both take away from the authenticity of the moment and of my thoughts.
Moving forward I will do my best to post what I write and to write when I feel it and when I’m experiencing it. Not once I’ve come out the other end or come back and edit it. If I do later feel the need to provide more context, clarify something, correct something, etc.; I’ll do so at the bottom of the original post as an addendum. The only exception to this will be if I’m working on a series on a certain topic. All of that is, of course, subject to change; but I feel like this makes sense for my brain right now. So that’s how we’ll do it for now.
Another reason I’ve been quiet is that I’ve really been trying to process some of my feelings & emotions around all this pain and heartbreak in the world, but before I can even process one tragedy there’s another; and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer to home. Both literally AND figuratively!
Uvalde happened a little over a month ago now and happened while we were on vacation with Mike’s family. As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been going through medication adjustments with my doctors & therapists for a couple months now and the trip was still in the 4-6 wk adjustment period. So, on top of the normal and expected anxieties that can come along during a 7 day vacation with your or your husband’s family - because let’s be honest, I’d be even more anxious if it was 7 days with my side of the family - I was also keenly aware that my hormones, while not 100% steady at that time, were not making me so unstable that I was just a ticking time bomb ready to go off about the slightest thing but my husband would’ve had you believe so.
Or maybe I was - who knows. I’m on new meds….
Anyway!
Uvalde hit close to home for several reasons. I wrote a FB post about it. I’ll link it if I can figure out how (I did! See below!); but long story, short: the fact that we haven’t made any meaningful change in our gun laws (and now have literally loosened gun laws while tightening laws on our uteruses, but I’ll get to that in a moment) hits really close to home for me and as a mother I was very emotional and outraged. As I, and anyone else with any empathy, should’ve been.
**Click HERE for my FB post about Uvalde.
Before I could even fully process Uvalde though, there’s another shooting. Except this one is not only a shooting within my state - it’s a shooting within my church diocese.
**Click HERE for a beautiful article written about the Potluck Shooting at St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church in Vestavia Hills, AL.
I knew people who attended that church, and I knew people in that room when the shooting took place. I have a very close friend who used to be a member at that church, friends and clergy that have close connections to that church and their parish, etc. That hit ridiculously close to home for me and I’m nowhere near even really beginning to process how, or if, it changes anything about the way I worship, and we as a family worship, in a way we feel safe.
Better just ‘move on’ from that one though…
…because the thing people have been gaslighting us about and saying we’re overreacting about? The thing they didn’t believe would really happen?
It happened. Just like we said it would.
Just like I said it would almost two years ago.
And people are acting like they’re stunned.
Like this just came out of nowhere.
Seriously, what the f*ck are we becoming, y’all??
That’s what pisses me off more than anything though, is the people who willfully stayed ignorant about what was happening in the hopes that those of us already fighting would be able to take care of it without them having to get involved.
IMO that’s exactly what’s happening in Ukraine right now too, but we’ll go down that rabbit hole another day.
I do want to make it clear though that I’m not unappreciative of those who’ve joined us in the fight and shown up at marches and rallies over the weekend. We thank you for your time and your voice. If you want to see real change though, you’re going to have to fight like hell and really commit to it; because it’s a lot easier to fail in a fight for a right you’ve never had.
It’s another thing entirely to have to fight for a right that’s been taken away from you.
So if you’re going to fight you need to do the work. Ask yourself why it took Roe being overturned before you showed up on the streets? You’ve got to work that out though because this work needs to be intersectional. It’s the only way it works and it’s the only way I want you standing beside me if I’m being perfectly honest.
If your feminism doesn’t include women of color - I want no part in it.
If your feminism doesn’t include all people with uteruses - I want no part in it.
If your feminism doesn’t include those in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community - I want no part in it.
If your feminism doesn’t include activism for ALL those oppressed - I want no part in it.
If you aren’t willing to do the work to grow in all aspects and fight for all the oppressed, your activism is only performative. Take all the time you need to come to terms with that, but once you do the work I’ll be happy to stand beside you.
Anyway!
Maybe my fellow humans with uteruses can understand where I’m coming from but I’m just angry & emotional right now; and I’m ok with that. I’d rather feel angry & emotional than calm & emotionless like it seems some of those closest to me are doing.
I’ll work through my anger and on to forgiveness quickly because we’ve got too much work to do to make things last longer than they need to be. I also know I can’t rush that process; and right now I’m in the ‘Petty Betty’ phase. Pretending I’ve never experienced that wouldn’t be the truth. So it is what it is I guess.
IDK. I feel like I can’t help but feel rage when I grew up in the 90s being told over and over again that I could do anything boys could do and I could be anything I wanted to be. How could anything outside of rage be natural??
I celebrated my 35th trip around the sun…
…and one week later I no longer have a say so over my own body.
One thing I know for a fact though, and that I’m very proud of, is that I kept the promise I made to Lily back in May of 2019 when the legislation that’s now the law of the land in Alabama was first signed. I promised Lily there was no way I was going to look her in the eyes one day and tell her that I didn’t stand up and fight back at the FIRST SIGN that they were coming after our reproductive rights.
Not only have I kept that promise, she stood with me on the courthouse steps yesterday (see pic ABOVE), while Madison County Sheriff’s Office Deputies loomed overhead (see pic BELOW), alongside thousands of others and fought back against the government that’s literally failed her and every other person with a uterus.
What a failed legacy of America that the Boomers have left for their children & grandchildren to inherit….
I’ll leave it at that for tonight because I’m not sure I have the energy for that rabbit hole this evening, but we’ll be sure to revisit it during some future rant on a more unhinged day. I promise lol.
In all of that anger and darkness I’ve felt over the past few days though, there's actually been a lot of joy & light & hope too. I realize I’ve only been active in this movement for about 3 years, but even the vets who’ve been fighting since the late 80s agreed:
Sunday was the biggest turnout Huntsville has EVER had for a reproductive rights rally.
That’s light in the dark. That’s something to be proud of.
That’s what fuels the fight: hope. And the one thing I’ve found that’s guaranteed 100% to help alleviate some of that pain in the dark times is to take action.
Taking action can look different for different people. For some people, and just so these people know - you can reach out to me if you want to know local non-profits already doing the work here locally to reach out to, taking action looks like donating substantial amounts of money to a cause they’re passionate about.
For those of us that are millennials and are still renting because #theperfectstorm of [insert your disaster / world crisis millennials have experienced before age 40], taking action may look more like adding some extra canned goods or tampons to the shopping list for the food pantry or donating that nice coat you got for your kid that’s grown out of it instead of reselling it online.
Typically people think of taking to the streets when they think of taking action, but there are an unlimited number of ways you can donate your money, your things, or your time.
This won’t be quick or easy…
You need to know and understand that it’s going to take all of us coming together to fight to get our reproductive rights back. We absolutely can’t fail either. If we do then they’re coming after birth control, same-sex marriage, and everything else. That’s why Roe being overturned affects so much more than a pregnant person’s access to an abortion. They’re coming after all of us that identify as anything outside of the white hetero cis gender norm and those who love us &/or marry us. We’ve got SCOTUS justices literally saying so ON THE RECORD.
So honestly, how the hell can anyone with a uterus even function today?
Is this just the new normal? Are we going to normalize our rights being taken away like we’ve normalized the mass murder of our kids at school? Or are we going to rise up and fight back??
They’re only passing laws that the majority of Americans don’t agree with because the number of people with uteruses outnumber people without in America, and it’s been made blatantly obvious by the increasing diversity in elected positions of power in our country that the easiest way to wipe out the largest number of people from the competition is to overturn Roe.
Go back to the days when all you had to do to make it damn near impossible for anyone with a uterus to succeed in life outside of the role of homemaker &/or mother was to take away their options by getting them pregnant. Of course it’s possible to still succeed but the less resources you have the less the odds are in your favor. So, as is the case with most things, people who are already economically disadvantaged are usually the ones who suffer most.
This has absolutely nothing to do with saving lives.
This has everything to do with old, mostly white, men in positions of power within our country being scared shitless because they realize the closer to level the playing field gets the less often they win, and they literally don’t know what else to do except to attempt to control us the way their grandfathers did. The lack of creativity and innovation is a common side effect of conformity and of proximity to the patriarchy.
Anyway, it appears I’ve digressed again but it’s also way past my bedtime. So as I leave you to ponder on my ramblings, I’m also going to leave you with another favorite, and life changing, quote of mine:
“Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman, Jesus and the Disinherited
May we all have the courage to know what it feels like to discover what truly makes us come alive, and may we also have the courage this week to stand up & speak out when the opportunities present themselves.
peace & love,
jess
P.S. I’m no expert in anything. So please know that the intention of this blog is never to give advice but to share my thoughts & everyday stories of navigating life. All opinions are my own. I share them to build connection and help others know they’re not alone.